Dp you ever blame yourself?

[Whitney]

Hi. Tonight I am having a hard time not blaming myself for Alex's problems. Its simply because of my body that Alex is the way he is. I know I should not blame myself but I still have dreams that I am the reason my babies are the the way they are. I feel like I have robbed them of ever having a normal life. I know I did not do anything wrong, but how do you convice yourself when you know you failed. I have never failed at anything before and now my boys are suffering because of my physical defects. I have never had any probles before and I still find myself hating everyone around me having healthy babies. Will this ever end? I still find myself in such pain (especially when Alex and Aidan have more problems). I know I should not go there, but why did this happen? I sometimes wish I could have just done one small thing differently. I know it may not have made a difference, but what if?? How do you forgive yourself?

[indiemum]

It took me so long to get to a place of acceptance, I really struggled. It was not supposed to be this way for our family but over time I just realized that maybe this had nothing to do with me, maybe Indie chose me because she had to go through this "stuff" and I was the best one for her. I blamed myself for so long but I have let that go now to simply sit back and be inspired by her and admire her strength. Personally I don't believe there are any accidents in life. I love myself more than I ever have because I have become strong and I have learned things about myself I did not know. You are not to blame, revel in the strength your children will give you. You will make it and you will come out on top. Keep your chin up.

Kellyxo

[Jacob's Mom]

Ditto, ditto, ditto what Kelly said. I did blame myself for Jacob's condition in the beginning. But, then I realized something - I can't blame myself and take on that responsibility, when in fact I can't control his condition any more than I can control his eye color...it is genetic. Blame is about intention and you never intended to have your babies come into the world this way. You need to think about all the things you did do to take care of them. There are so many women out there who don't take care of themselves, or their babies for that matter, while they are pregnant and afterword. They are the ones who need to feel guilty. Unfortunately, it is those of us who care who tend to feel guilty and live with "what if?" and "why?"!

I have just really learned to accept my life and I am at the point of thinking that this is Jacob's life and he probably won't live a full life, so I have to do any- and everything I can to make it happy and wonderful for him. I am inspired and truly made a better person because of him. As much as I would love for him to be "normal", I am very thankful to have him.

[hcs_mom]

Whitney,

I am still very much in the guilt phase in all this. My older daughter is a former 24-week preemie. My husband and I wanted another child. Brianna wanted a little brother or sister. The docs all assured me that they could help me have a healthy, term pregnancy. I can remember the day Hannah was born. I was in the hospital, on magnesium sulfate (to stop the contractions), demerol and phenergan cocktail for pain and nausea--I was so miserable and I wanted it to be over. Then it was and here we are.

I'm still pretty angry too. Angry that the docs weren't a little more honest about the likelihood of her ending up with a trach after the 1st airway surgery. Angry that I did everything I could to keep her healthy. I feel like I am being punished. This makes me feel even more guilty that I can't be happy that Hannah is alive and overall, healthy. Yes, she has a trach and is for the moment, O2 dependent. But she is growing and developing.

For those of you who write of acceptance, you are my inspiration. I want so badly to just accept things as they are for now and to stop wanting to "push" Hannah for things she's not ready for (like getting rid of the O2). I wish you could bottle whatever it is that helped you reach this point. Unfortunately, it will just take time...and I am the QUEEN of impatience.

Gals--thanks for the encouragement. And Whitney, I hope we both reach the stage where we can stop blaming ourselves and truly enjoy the moment and watch our little ones grow up.

Jennie

[Michael's mom]

Whitney (and ladies), I spent soooo much energy and time feeling guilty over Michael and his condition. Â*First, I was 38 when he was born, I whined and whined until my husband agreed to have another baby, and when he was born, my husband let me know that if it weren't for ME wanting another baby, our lives wouldn't be this way and Michael wouldn't be here or be this way. Â*He said he couldn't forgive me!! Â*Can you believe that! Â*So he<< yeah, I felt guilty. Â*I was even told I was guilty. Â*I cried at his bedside and apologized through tears hour after hour telling Michael I was sorry for bringing him into this world, that I caused all this misery and was the reason his body wasn't perfect. Â*Then I read the most horrible book I would read called When Bad things happen to Good People. Â*DO NOT READ THAT BOOK. Â*It basically says why bother asking God for a miracle, he doesn't have that kind of power and he's just there to listen to our prayers. Â*Time went on and I learned to accept Michael after the anger and guilt and sadness. Â*Then I realized Michael was everything I really needed to turn my life around. Â*He has made his mark on this world through prayer and through people learning to appreciate his strengths and they see me and my struggles and they find it easier to walk the path they're on. Â*One day, the intense sadness will end and you will learn to accept that you are on a path you didn't choose, but you have no choice. Â*You can only come to peace with this by knowing this life is brief and you will experience so much more than "ordinary" folks will. Â*You will be a better and stronger person for it. Â*Hard to believe now, but it's true. Â*Good luck on your acceptance. Â*It takes years, but it does come. Â*Susan

[Carriestockmal]

I ditto everything that has been said thus far on this post. I t hought I'd add some more thoughts too. I, too, blamed myself. But I just have to believe that there is something far greater than me involved in this whole thing. I have to believe that Jack is here for a reason, and that Jack was born to us for a reason. You did nothing wrong. You have to let yourself go through the emotions you are feeling. It's ok to feel like it's your fault - as long as you don't get stuck there. It's ok to be angry - as long as you don't get stuck there. You have to allow yourself to feel the natural emotions before you can actually try to do something about them. I was feeling so badly, that I saw a counselor and that is what he said. He said that you can not make yourself not feel a certain way until you are truly ready to. So it's almost like you have to accept that you feel a certain way, be ok with that, and it naturally moves on. Well, I tried to ease up on myself and wouldn't you know that it worked? I was stuck on angry and since I've tried to accept that, admit that - i'm not as angry. I've stopped scolwing at mom's of normal kids at the grocery store.
No matter how overwhelming it is raising a child like Jack - it is equally as rewarding. I think you just have to let yourself get there in order to see it that way. If you sit back and try to see how your child has influenced the people in his life - I bet you will be amazed.
Anyway.. hope this helps someone.

Frank is the way he is for a reason...We may never know the true reason of his presence, but GOD DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES. Frank is a wonderful angel. I was around special needs all my life growing up, a very good friend of mine has muscular dystrophy (and a trach), he is 24. I am not sure if I would have adapted so quick to Franks disability if it were not for my past experience with disabilities. I do know that Frank is a gift from God, that I pray God will allow us to keep for a long time to come.

Gods will be done.
Misty

[Olga]

When I was expecting Grace my doctor gave me some very sensible advice. I had asked whether it was safe to drink small amounts of alcohol during pregnancy (the jury is still out on this one even as I write). He said "It is up to you, but if anything happens you will always blame yourself, even if it cannot be proved". (Not a drop of alcohol passed my mouth during that time - I even saw in the millennium with a cup of tea!)

What I am saying is don't feel guilty. When Grace was diagnosed with her haemangioma I was told that it was "one of those things" and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. I just accepted it and now am thankful that it is all over. I hope that in time you can come to terms with it and dispense with that guilt. Best wishes. Olga

[sandra]

I have to admit that I am still feeling guilt. I find some days that I feel I have accepted it all and other days I am still struggling. I know I didn't do anything wrong except want a third child and that is not wrong. For the most part, I just feel extreme saddness that Brian has to go through so much. I do try to look at the big picture. Brian does not know anything else. This is life to him and he is happy most of the time. Thanks for this post. It is so hard to deal with the emotional aspects of all this.

[indiemum]

I was moved by Sue's post. I find it so sad that her partner would blame her for her son's condition. I remember blaming myself at first and Michael became irate with me, he told me that in our married life I was never to utter those words again and I think that is when my recovery began. It is hard enough holding yourself accountable but to hear your partner blame you?.............Well Sue, I think you have proven just how tough you are and I feel the deep intense love you feel for your Michael. What a mum!!!!!

Kelly