doing things separately with your kiddos

welovelucy · #1 09-07-2007, 08:41 AM

Question for those of you with more than one kiddo. This is something I've been thinking a lot about. We haven't really taken Lucy most places, because of all of her vent equipment, need for Sxn, tube feeds, etc., so it's been virtually impossible to take both girls together in the car anywhere (i.e., one of us is usually in the backseat with Lucy, so we can't have both girls in the car at the same time, because we need to take Lizzy's carseat out in order to sit in the back with Lucy.) So unless it's a very short trip with the four of us, we don't ever go anywhere all together. I know that we'll get more confident about not needing to be in the backseat with Lucy, but right now, that's where we're at. (Someone show me the money tree, and then we can buy a minivan!

)

So we end up doing "tag team" parenting most of the time (DH does things with Lizzy, and I take care of Lucy, or vice versa). At home, it's not as difficult, because the girls can interact together, but we just don't GO anywhere as a family. It really breaks my heart, because Lizzy (age 3.5) will say stuff like, "when Lucy is done with her tubes, we'll go together [to the zoo, to McDonald's, whatever] as a family." And then she'll list our family members, Daddy, Mommy, Lucy and Lizzy.

We *did* go to the zoo, the four of us, a few weeks ago, but it was so much work and so stressful that I'd be hard pressed to do that again anytime soon. We can go to our neighborhood park together easily, but just not anywhere in the car. It's one of the things that I've missed the most, having a child with medical needs. I just took it for granted before, that we could take Lizzy anywhere...

So my question is this: How "normal" is it to do stuff separately with your little ones? (And I have "normal" in quotes, because we all have a new definition of what's "normal" now...) How often do you do stuff with one LO, and then trade off with the other? Do you have special times set aside for one LO and then the other?

Especially on the weekends, when we don't have nursing help, DH and I end up "splitting up." I used to think that this was okay, because it was Lizzy's "special time" with mommy or daddy, but now it's getting harder, because she wants to do stuff "as a family." I know it's going to get easier for us, but right now, this is one of the toughest things.

Comments? Thoughts? What do other people do separately with your LO's?
Sarah

Ann · #2 09-07-2007, 08:55 AM

This is one of the things that is the most difficult for me as well. We have no weekend nursing and either me or my husband is at home with Jack at all times, so we are always split up. It's usually me and the other kids who go to church, out to eat, to the mall, to my sisters, etc., while my husband stays home with Jack. When we take Jack back to St. Louis to see his doctors, it's me and my husband and Jack, and the rest of my kids are farmed out to family members. I hate the fact that we are rarely all together as a family. We can't even fit in one car anymore. I don't have any answers, just wanted to let you know that I'm right there with you. I hope as Lucy gets older and loses some of her equipment, you will be able to get out more together. In October, we will be taking our first family vacation together in over 6 years. We have to drive in two cars (driving to San Diego), but we will all be together for 4 whole days. It will be a lot of work, but so worth it!

sandra · #3 09-07-2007, 09:18 AM

Brian has been decannulated and we still end up doing a lot of splitting up. I also hate it and my older kids make comments about wanting to do things as a family, but it is so hard with Brian's feeding schedule. Brian also hates crowds and cries, so that makes it hard as well. I guess, like Ann, I don't have a solution but I do understand.

Mom2TwinsPlus1 · #4 09-07-2007, 09:58 AM

I think its pretty normal. My mom had my brother and my twin sister and me and we did lots of things seperately. We do things seperately with Derek, Ella and Emma too. Our doctor told us its one of the best things we can do, is to take Derek and Ella out alone or together so they feel like they are getting special attention since Emma gets "special attention" all the time due to her medical needs. Just last week Ella Derek and I went to my sisters and slept with her and her kids in a tent in the backyard. I wanted to take Emma too but she doesn't do heat well. It was fun and the kids felt like they had special time

JWorthington · #5 09-07-2007, 03:15 PM

We tend to split up a lot too. James and I went for a 4 day break to the country in March and John is taking James to Venice (insert green-eyed monster smiley!) in October. We also take it in turns to take James out on the weekend/sit with Sam. Another thing we also do is take time for ourselves on the weekend. We usually just go to the local gym or for a swim or shopping (my fave!). I think it is important to get some time out. Sorry to ramble on - that wasn't your question..
We do occasionally do things together as a family. Because we are 3 years into this journey and Sam is quite stable I will go out alone with both boys and rarely need to stop to suction, etc., As Jonathan is away at university he doesn't come along with us (he wouldn't want to anyway

). Also, the four of us will go out for the day or walk to the park. As James is 11 he can sit up front so one of us adults can sit in the back with Sam.

Juliex

WeAdoptKids · #6 09-07-2007, 06:59 PM

I understand how hard this must be for you and I feel that in time, as things get easier, you will do more as a family. I will be the first to admit that I know nothing of a vent and our son that is coming to us on a vent has not be able to make his way home yet due to all the paper work involved.I may have a totally different approach to life when that time comes.

For now, we just all pile in the van and go. I am not sure why I do not find it a bother. We have two children in chairs and several that have to be closely monitored at all times or they will wonder off. Merrill and I manage to do it and somehow it works.

It is helpful that we have two teenage boys that just pitch in and help. We did manage to take the entire family to 6 flags and the older boys went off by themselves. Merrill and I did find it a tad slower going, but it still all fell together for us.

I think the key is your comfort zone and the degree of stability for your child. Joseph is very stable and for the most part his care is almost predictable. I am sure in time you will work it out.

Good luck,
Roberta

Ann · #7 09-08-2007, 05:36 PM

I would also like to add, that for me, as someone who didn't choose this life, that in addition to the plethora of equipment I have to take with me every time I go out with Jack ... there is also an element of emotional baggage I take with me when I leave the comfort of my home and venture out into the world. I am exposing a life I'm not all together comfortable with to the rest of the world. I don't want to deal with the stares, the pitying eyes and the looks away that hurt. It's often just easier from an emotional standpoint to keep Jack at home. A cop out? Perhaps, and definitely something I struggle with all the time.

WeAdoptKids · #8 09-08-2007, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ann

I don't want to deal with the stares, the pitying eyes and the looks away that hurt.

Boy Ann couldn't have said that better. I remember all too well when I took our one son, Malachi, to St. Louis. My dearest friend just could not grasp all the stares and looks that we got. I guess I released myself from that long ago also.

Our family does get the strangest of looks as we are out and about. We have been asked all kinds of things...like what institution we are from....Aren't you suppose to have two adults with taking out this many children from the Children's Home.....Which one is yours....on and on the list goes. Many times we just let the children answer....

Roberta

TommysDad · #9 09-09-2007, 02:16 AM

Tommy's mom here...
I hear where you are coming from! One of the first things our 8 year old son said to us when Tommy was in the hospital was how much he couldn't wait for us to be a "family". Then when Tommy finally got home, big brother, Brandon, said he'd never get to go to another White Sox game, EVER!!! (I thought...Oh boy! Here we go! He resents his brother already, and what are we going to do???) I quickly told him mom or dad could take him to a game. He said, "No! He wanted to go as a FAMILY!" So, right then and there, my husband and I decided we had to find a way to make it happen. Lucky for us we already had a 7 passenger SUV (and it was already paid off before we had Tommy). If we only had a car or 5 passenger vehicle, we couldn't have done it with Tommy's vent, O2, emergency bag, diaper bag, the double stroller to carry it all, etc!!! UNLESS...we borrowed someone else's vehicle, which people did offer us! Is there anyone you know of (family member, neighbor, etc.) who has a bigger vehicle that maybe you could borrow just once in awhile for a family outing? (I'd check to see how their insurance coverage is first!) I know we had several people tell us if we needed to buy a different vehicle, we could try theirs for a day/weekend? It sounds like you and your husband are willing to deal with all the extra equipment needed to go out and about and that you are comfortable with going out of the home, but you just need a vehicle to accomidate your new lifestyle. I hope you will find what you need somewhere because once you do, you sound like you will be like us, together as a family and doing all those things a "normal" family does, zoo, ball games, parks, etc!

faywrayy · #10 09-09-2007, 06:36 AM

We have very good nursing care for Kate, and that frees up Brad and I to do things with the boys, like all the soccer and baseball games (3 kids in all sports...yeesh). Anyway, Kate is very stable and I have no problem taking her to school, or the store if I need to run out. My sister lives a few blocks away, so we go there for the afternoon. We live on a great block with lots of kids and we're all friends, so when we get together, we really only bring the kids, and Kate's suction machine and GO bag. We're lucky.

With that said, Kate came to Target with me for the first time a few weeks ago. I didn't even think twice about the bags, or her feeding tube or anything, until we got in the store and that's when the looks started. Ann, I couldn't have said it better myself. I felt like screaming, "look past it please, it's a just a feeding tube and a trach". Anyway, my way of dealing with all that is to let them look. I make it easy, I turn away, I talk to her, I talk to my boys. Whatever. It's plain once you forget the tubes and equipment that she's a perfectly fabulous 1 yr old.

Last Fall and Spring, I didn't make one soccer or baseball game because of Kate. In the Fall, she was new and in the hospital. In the spring, she'd just come home and no way was the dusty baseball field the best place. That will change this year, so people will have to get over it.